Divorce becoming a more common choice in Turkey

According to figures from the Turkish Statistics Institute (TurkStat) for example, in 2011 the total number of divorce cases was 120,117 as opposed to 91,994 in 2001. Although we should not overlook the increase in the population, it is evident that Turks are making the decision to file for divorce more easily and frequently than before.

Why are people getting divorced more often? The official numbers suggest irreconcilable differences as the number one reason by far cited for divorce followed by willful desertion and adultery.

In an effort to go beyond the numbers and explore the underlying reasons behind divorce, Sunday’s Zaman talked to people who are divorced or in the process of getting a divorce, as well as to experts.

According to marriage therapist Erhan Özden, the problems cited as reasons for divorce could be termed “a black box that hides the real problems of the marriage.” What is hidden in that black box for Özden is the “lack of being loved and acceptance as a whole” that parents neglect to nurture. “By marriage we hope to invest in a person who will accept us as we are,” says Özden. However, he further argues that because we often overlook accepting the other party as s/he is in a marriage, marriages turn into a disappointment.

Lawyer Cengiz Horto?lu, who specializes in divorce cases, says people cite more generic reasons for divorce to protect their children and to be protected from social pressure. “People do not easily refer to adultery and violence, but cite irreconcilable differences when they apply for a divorce,” Horto?lu points out. He adds that in recent years he has observed a rise in cases of adultery while also listing violence as an important reason for divorce. “Since more women are economically independent now, they are no longer silent when they are subjected to domestic violence,” asserts Horto?lu. According to him, 70 percent of his divorce cases involve issues that could be solved through dialogue. “The level of sacrifice has decreased in marriages; people go to court for the slightest argument because they perceive marriage as an institution that only brings happiness,” comments Horto?lu. He says the problems that are unlikely to be solved by dialogue are adultery, excessive involvement of the families of the spouses (a traditional tendency in Turkish culture) and violence.

A divorced single mother who ended her marriage after seven years but that ended after only one-and-a-half years in reality after she got married, says that the main problem was not being able to talk about problems and a lack of communication. She says she tried to save her marriage for the sake of her child but that it didn’t work out. Speaking about communication, Horto?lu observes that when couples begin to care less about and neglect each other, they begin to see their flaws. That is why he finds a recent practice of the Ministry of Family and Social Policies that requires consulting services for couples who file for divorce significant for providing a platform for communication between spouses.

According to Özden, marriage is going through a global crisis of existence. Although people were individually unhappy in the previous generation as well, marriages then did not necessarily end up in divorce. Today, however, divorce is a growing reality because marriage is the first institution that is impacted by unhappiness. The real reason behind all this inner struggle that individuals go through is, however, to Özden, the spiritual hunger that human beings try to forget about by means of more consumption.

An ?stanbul-based woman in her early thirties who is in the process of getting divorced says that what led to her decision for a divorce was making a hasty decision to get married. She says she did not really have the opportunity to get to know her husband during the short time period they dated. “I have very little in common with my husband; we enjoy different things,” says this business owner who has the financial means to survive on her own, which provides her with more flexibility in the decision to get a divorce.

“When we were dating, we seemed to have more things to share in the limited time we saw each other, but after getting married we almost talked about nothing,” she added, while underlining that she prefers a much more social life while her husband prefers to stay home. “I got married to a 40-year-old man who was already tired of socializing in his long time as a bachelor,” she states.

Citing the difference in expectations as the leading reason for the failure of their marriage, she says she did not realize how different her husband was when they dated because during that process, he seemed to enjoy similar activities. “My husband believes that marriage is mostly about pretending to be someone you are not, which is why he wouldn’t consider remarrying,” she adds.

According to this highly disappointed young woman, couples who are not financially dependent on each other make the decision to divorce more easily. “Although my family is conservative about divorce, I am able to make the decision to get a divorce more easily because I have their full support.” Yet, she says she exerted an effort to save her six-month marriage — they consulted a family therapist who diagnosed severe differences in her and her husband’s characters.

A 36-year-old medical professional who has been divorced for less than a month after 10 years of marriage cites the couple’s inability to have children as the primary reason for his divorce. According to him, after some time passes, a house without children does not feel like a home and leads to a disconnection between spouses. “In time, the things we share decreased as our priorities changed,” he said as he confessed that after a while he did not want to spend time with his wife, even when they were in the same house. “We had become like roommates sharing the common living areas but watching TV in separate rooms because we did not enjoy the same things.”

He also says that his wife’s “desire to do everything together, but on her own terms only” led to frustration because it left no room for activities that he would like to do with his friends. As far as friends are concerned, though, he comments, “When all your friends become couples with children, you cannot socialize with them anymore, which makes your social circle even narrower.” He adds, “After a while it becomes almost a burden to spend time with your spouse.” He admits the impact of their failed in vitro fertilization (IVF) attempts to have a baby was traumatic and adds that he and his wife even stopped arguing in the last years of their marriage. According to him, it took courage for him to file for divorce because most people choose to be “conformist” and prefer not to leave their comfort zone. He also believes that in these times “access to the opposite sex has become much easier,” which tends to shatter marriages due to a “decay in moral values.” He also believes that most people “stay in their marriage mainly because they have kids.”

Given the rapid change in Turkish society and the individualization of both men and women, the rise in divorce rates will continue to pose a problem since people are less tolerant of one another these days and they become distanced in the absence of real communication and care.