Days after Khap leader Jitender Chhatar from Haryana, in a moment of surprising clarity, had blamed fast food — particularly chowmein — for the rise in rape cases, the Chinese government issued a sharply worded statement condemning Indian chowmein.
The issue has turned into a diplomatic nightmare as Beijing threatened to take India to court for the treatment meted out to what could have been a nice Chinese dish of noodles.
“They have taken the ‘Chineseness’ out of it and turned it into a spicy Indian sabzi that causes acidity,” a visibly distressed Chinese official said. “With the amount of oil they use, it’s surprising the Americans haven’t invaded the dish,” he added.
“I would like to categorically state that the Chinese population explosion is not the result of chowmein,” the Chinese official said. Sources say, now, anyone owning a Chinese restaurant in India will be given a stapled visa for visiting China.
Earlier, as Mocktale reported, the Union Cabinet had caved in to pressure from the Khap association of India and cleared a bill that makes chowmein a prescription drug only available at chemist stores.
Meanwhile, activist Anna Hazare, who is well versed with the concept of “fast food”, condemned the Khap statement and said these ruffians should be tied to poles and flogged. “This technique has cured many alcoholics,” he said. He later threatened to go on a “fast food fast” if the government doesn’t take action fast. “I follow a fast come, fast served policy,” he added.
Cops have now issued an advisory asking all girls to avoid Chinese eateries. Many of these restaurants have reported a dip in business. A hungry customer wailed, “Finding chowmein is like searching for a noodle in a haystack”.
The Left called the Khap theory an American conspiracy to defame Mao and “our Chinese brothers” while the Shiv Sena blamed it on the ISI. “Pakistan and China have always been hand in glove against India and this is just another Sino-Pak plot,” fumed a Sena leader.
Now, anyone found consuming chowmein without a medical prescription will be jailed for six months and made to watch daily Hindi soaps. Furthermore, if DNA tests find ajinomoto in your blood stream, you may be denied bail. Meanwhile, red light areas are reporting a boom in chowmein sales.